Many times we find ourselves where we find difficult to respond to that person or friend who dearly needs us,read and please do your best to apply it and watch the miracle unfold.
1. Poppy suffers from PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. “Those who have struggled themselves or who have seen a friend struggle with mental health issues or trauma are generally understanding and supportive,” she writes. “There are others who do try. Then there are the ones who are very self-centred. I guess empathy isn't something that everyone has.”
How to help: Psychologist Paul Ekman, author of Emotional Awareness: Overcoming the Obstacles to Psychological Balance and Compassion: A conversation between the Dalai Lama and Paul Eckman, explains while some people have less capacity for emotional empathy, most of us can imagine what others are feeling -- if we make an effort. Think about what it might be like to have a disease that’s invisible or a time when you experienced something terribly painful. Acknowledge that although you don’t know what your friend is going through, you’re trying to understand – and you’re there for her
2. be there, no matter what
K has suffered from anxiety disorder for years, but when she was diagnosed with lung cancer, her anxiety became almost too much to bear. “I find people look at you differently when they find out you have an incurable disease,” wrote K. “I know it's because they can't do anything to help but it hurts when they walk away from you.”
How to help: “I need to know you’re here for me” is one of the top statements that people with cancer want others to know. Too often feelings of fear, discomfort, or powerlessness keep friends or family away from those who need them most. Ask yourself if you’re finding excuses to stay away. You don’t need to say anything; just being there and listening matter most. If you can’t be there physically, send a card, gift, or letter.
3. be sensitive to upcoming events that might trigger sadness
Tina and her sister sister-in-law got pregnant around the same time, but Tina miscarried after eight weeks. She felt like she was healing -- until her baby niece was born. “The loss has resurfaced full force,” wrote Tina. “Everyone around me is so happy... What hurts is that no one seems to remember my little angel who left this world before he even entered it.”
How to help: Many consider losing a child, even by miscarriage, the most painful experience imaginable. Grieving can take much longer than expected, and may come in blindsiding waves triggered by reminders such as anniversaries or births. Be sensitive to that. Pay attention – does your friend look forlorn? Ask her if she’d like to talk, and let her know you’re there to listen.
4. withhold judgement
Parents of children with autism often field suggestions from friends, family, and even strangers about how to parent or deal with their children. One mom wrote, “When someone says something to me about my parenting or child’s behaviour, I want to respond: ‘Are you offering to help me with this situation or are you just passing judgement?’”
How to help: It’s natural to judge others’ behaviour, especially when it comes to something we care deeply about. But judgement clouds compassion and may preclude it entirely. When someone feel judged it’s hard to feel supported. If you want to help a friend, suspend your judgement, and be accepting. Listen with your heart, not just your head.
5. realise you can never truly know how your friend feels
Pamela’s dad has been fighting prostate cancer for three years, but may die soon, which she has accepted. What she can’t accept are remarks such as "He'll be just fine!” The phrase that bothers her most? "I know exactly what you are going through." Pamela writes, “I want to respond with ‘No you don't!’ They don't know what I’m feeling, that I can't sleep through the night because I’m wondering if my dad is up also, that I cry wondering if he’s going to be here for the next birthday.”
How to help: When we or someone we love falls seriously ill, we may become more sensitive, like a burn victim. We need the salve of knowing that others acknowledge the difficulty – and uniqueness – of our situation. Saying you know what someone else feels can trivialise their feelings. By saying, “I can’t know how you feel, but I can try to imagine, and certainly listen”, you show how much you care.
6. ask permission before offering advice
“Promise” suffers from chronic pain, and writes that well-meaning friends keep offering advice. “I am sick of hearing stuff like 'If you exercised more, didn't eat this, or ate that, you’d feel better…’”. I can't make up my mind if it is because what they say is truly for my benefit or they just think that they know everything and I don't.”
How to help: All of us, but especially those going through tough times, need to feel understood and cared for. Though it’s natural to want to help by sharing your experience and instructing your friend, giving advice can come off as arrogant or uncaring. Your friend may feel overwhelmed, and needs your acceptance more than anything else. Ask permission before you offer recommendations or issue warnings. That will prove that you both care about and respect your friend.
7. let the person facing the life challenge be right
Jen has one child, who is autistic. At work, a colleague asked if she planned on having another, and Jen answered no, because she’s in her late 30s. The coworker insisted that it’s best to have two children, so Jen shared that their son is autistic, and that since she and her husband work full time, they don’t want to enlarge their family. “My colleague told me that wasn't a good excuse for not having more children, as another child may be ‘normal!’”, wrote Jen. “Wow!”
How to help: First of all, it’s not polite to pry. But if someone does ask a personal question, and learns private information that reveals that a colleague is hurting, it’s especially rude and may be wounding to hoist a challenge her way. Let the person going through the tough time be right. Don’t argue; it just adds insult to injury. Be extra kind, and hold your tongue.
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